Things can change pretty fast. Trying to control and plan is sometimes futile. One has to just react, like a ship sailing through icebergs … Did I mention that the captain of the Titanic came from my home town.
We also have zero control over people’s reactions and emotions … Again we need to empathise and manage these on the fly. My family has seen some very big changes in the last few years aside from a pandemic. Thankfully it has bought us all a bit closer together in many regards. Amongst work, house renovation, my personal life etc. I try and see my children whenever I can. They need to see me as much as I need to see them. We need each other. We are all in unchartered waters … their views and wisdom help me make sense of things.
I am seeing things and people in a different light. Actions not words reveals true colours.
I am often exhausted yet I find the energy to do the things that some would consider optional … Spend time on your own happiness.
I have a calmness that I have never really had as a default. Why is this? Is it because the vast amounts of shit that I have faced has absorbed so much energy I have no anger left? Is because I have found my inner Zen and I am about to shave my head and walk the earth preaching my mind over matter mantras? It is obviously a no. We don’t run out of anger and I am so full of shit and have no inner Zen to teach about.
We are shaped by the people who we choose to spend time with. They, often without conscious intent, influence our mood and views of the world around us. That is why I feel calm. I recognised this the other day when I questioned why the hell I was not getting angry at something that I would have previously flipped my shit over, reacted very badly and made things worse.
My old man had a similar experience. He, on occasion, was an angry soul and would have altercations or outbursts of rage. When he got to his 40s/50s he mellowed in a big way. Don’t get me wrong, he will still react when prodded enough with the wrong stick. It is not genetic however, his dad, “whacker”, justified his nickname until his later years. I will ask my Dad what triggered his epiphany like life change, it was stark, even to a younger me who had little emotional intelligence at the time.
I have a mountain of stuff to do, yet I am lying in bed spending valuable time brain dumping my thoughts into a blog. It is important thing for me to do. I don’t care who reads this and if they find value in it, it would be lovely if they did, yet not the purpose. I need to observe my thoughts and actions and this helps me do that. It is also pissing down with rain and I don’t want to get out of bed.
I am craving a sunny Sunday where I jump out of bed, look at Google maps and get out on my bike for a few hours. My obsession with bikes is waning slightly however. Just don’t have the bandwidth. Many unread magazines. I will try and follow motogp this season and embrace the new era of incredible riders.
My IOMTT trip is still on, cut shorter than originally planned due to prioritising my time. I did initially book it when my head was in a “It’s just me now. Bikes and adventures” type mindset. I was never going to find love again … I love how the universe changes your hand when you try and plan long term. What a shuffle the last hand was.
I get back from the IOM in the early hours of my granddaughters first birthday. An event to celebrate. It will be strange to see all fractions of a divided group of people (numerous separations etc.) in one place.
Time to get up …