Lone Rider

I have thought about this for a quite a few weeks now and now I think that I am ready to try and rationalise it.

A friend of mine, worried about me, sent me a message saying that they had I seen a FB post by a certain someone and asked if I am OK. I hadn’t as I am blocked. However it was clearly aimed at me. They were not the only ones who have passed comment about the unsubtle digs at me; there have been a few.

A couple of friends have refrained from commenting, so far. I hope that they don’t, however they are upset by it.

The post described, in their opinion, how water is thicker than blood.

The irony being, I had supported said poster (who is blood BTW), when they needed it most. Desperate in fact. I put myself in a position that was to my detriment and also at significant cost to me, which I couldn’t really afford.

The words of gratitude were hollow as social media posts thanked everyone but me. Thanking people who had previously not demonstrated their support, which initially created a division between them. The abuse of my generosity became clear. No empathy for my situation but trying to keep others happy or not upsetting them. The details are complex and not for here.

Clearly related parties condone such attacks which is sad, especially given my encouragement to reconcile between the divided parties.

I was angry. I was accused of the exact opposite of what I was demonstrating. Certain things were revealed around that time that massively angered me. That added fuel to the fire.

Would my efforts have extended beyond blood? They did as well. Again, no  consideration for my difficult situation, however as it supported others it seemed the right thing to do. However, when their (water) wants and needs were highlighted as a main consideration, I knew that the piss was being taken or they had little self awareness.

The undertones of the comparison of blood and water was emotive. I have adopted siblings. I have parents that have blood so thick that it is literally glue.

Are the attempts to portray others as more dear to them just an act of using them to try and unsettle me? I really hope not. I hope it is 100% genuine. Having supportive people in your life is so important.

Empathy. Said poster were themselves in a difficult situation and I fully appreciate their position. Uncertainty, money worries and family stresses. I have dropped everything and picked them up so many times. A few basic things were asked of them, however they were defiant. Ignoring my difficulties.

In more recent events when blood related issues arose, the concern for their blood relatives took a back seat to attacks and vitriol towards me. Not just them either.  Maybe the loyalty to blood is not just aimed at me.

I was also in a situation of being provoked into reacting. Maybe they didn’t know the whole truth, or just wanting to stick another knife in. I was already upset and stressed, which they clearly didn’t appreciate. I didn’t react.

Maybe, coming from a very broken place (again no empathy for this) to rebuilding with the knowledge of experience on your side makes a much stronger self.

Money, possessions, ego, opinions of those that do not matter … Nah … Happiness and peace of mind.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation…

I have already forgiven. Friends have said that the attacks are coming from a young, naive and angry place. I agree. However, is an attack even an attack when it is bothering the attacker more than the target? Quite frankly I feel sympathy, concern and sadness for them, not like I am being attacked.

Reconciliation will not happen yet. The continued attacks and lack of awareness of the bigger picture indicates that they are far from ready. They have their own issues to address and difficult times ahead. Dust is  a whirlwind for them at the moment, literally, so unlikely to settle anytime soon. It may never happen. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

As difficult as it is, all I can do is be grateful that I am not angry and wanting to attack.  It is not good for your soul. Life is very short. Time is precious.

To find solace in music… Hard times – Paramore, Better Days – Jimi Polo and many more.