Not getting any younger…

No one ever gets any younger…  I have now been on this crazy planet for a few days over 50 years.

I look back to when I was a child; completely care free with no concern of my own mortality. I had a great childhood. I can thank my parents for that. I was loved and protected beyond measure, yet given almost free reign to do things many parents today would not allow.

For example, go off on my pedal bike at maybe 5, climb big trees, get in to fights, use my dad’s power tools unaccompanied at about 11, ride motorcycles in the fields, vehicle mechanics (welding, brakes, engine removal etc.). Granted, I was in A&E on regular basis (concussion, stitches, broken fingers, broken collar bones, finger nails ripped off … )

Mentally and emotionally I made lots of mistakes, I still do. However I am now much more aware and I try so hard to learn and be better. You cannot turn the clock back.

Back in my teens I was naive, emotionally stupid and not really aware of what lay ahead. Making decisions that I did not fully think through. Which is bizarre as even then I was an overthinker.

I do wonder how life could have been if I made different decisions and taken a different, more conscious path… Learnt a trade, joined the police force, armed forces, worked abroad, been more savvy.

Your past experiences shape you. Life can change in an instant. People come and go, through birth, death, becoming friends, breaking friends.

Death I struggle with, always have. Breaking friends is complex. Some people I am happy to let go off (once a line has been crossed they are gone), others not so. For me, some others need to be put aside too  e.g. people on the other side of relationship break ups etc. Not just for your own sake, but for others too.

Making friends… I have friends that I rarely see and may never again, and don’t/only occasionally even keep in touch with… Yet I consider them friends. Life is transient.

There are others that I want to see more often, yet life is busy.

The last 3 years have been tough. Very tough at times. However, I wake up in a morning grateful for what I have. I do sometimes struggle and get overwhelmed with many things. In the main, however, I am really happy and content.

Some of my biggest struggles are with people. Lies. When the lies can be proven, all other statements ‘of truth’ become questionable. People that take way more than they give, disregarding others. Also, some people are just not for you. That is ok.

On the flip side, it is amazing to know when someone has your back no matter what. Accepting your flaws and not focusing on them.

I had a great time celebrating my birthday, with people that mean so much to me. Yet it was bitter sweet. My Mum not being well, not seeing people that I miss etc.

My immediate family is divided. It is awful. It makes celebrating anything so difficult. Trying to plan anything is neigh on impossible. However, celebrate we must! Milestones, achievements, just being alive.

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